


Manège à Trois

by IndigoDream



Category: The Witcher (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Episode: s01e05 Bottled Appetites, F/M, Hurt Jaskier | Dandelion, I am so sorry, Jaskier | Dandelion-centric, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love, it hurt me to write too if you guys wanna know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:54:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23684965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IndigoDream/pseuds/IndigoDream
Summary: Jaskier is a fool, a fool in love, and he wants to carve out his own heart with a knife, just to feel something else than this pain that makes him feel worse than anything in his life. He remembers being ten and falling down after climbing a tree, his leg breaking neatly in half, the bone nearly poking out of his skin. That physical pain had been nothing compared to what Jaskier feels like now.--Jaskier always wants love, always wants physical reassurances and to be told he is loved. He wants it most from Geralt. But Jaskier will never get it, because Geralt loves Yennefer, and hates him.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg
Comments: 11
Kudos: 155





	Manège à Trois

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from Hoshi's "Manège à Trois" and it means something like Playground (??) at Three, and yes it's a song about cheating which is not at all this fic, but like. I was intensively listening to it on repeat while writing this. 
> 
> also, listen, if you clicked on this fic, you know this is about to be angst. I'm sorry in advance, do NOT throw rocks at me.

_They are beautiful_ , that’s the only thing Jaskier can think as his heart breaks. Yennefer and Geralt are moving together, rough in their fucking, but oh so beautiful. He wants to carve himself a place between their bodies, wants to feel the way they are moving. He wonders if it would feel better, to be with them and yet know that it isn’t his place, rather than to stand here, watching them through a broken window. 

He sinks to the ground, the noise of their fucking loud in the air, and Jaskier does not sob. Je doesn’t cry all the tears in his body, does not forget his own self just for the sake of a man who despises him most of the time. Who just nearly wished him dead. And yet, Jaskier does. His heart thumps in his chest, and his veins burn with the anger and the feeling of being rejected. 

It’s not like he ever had asked, or offered even. He had never let his eyes trail more than necessary. He remembers the pain of hearing Geralt’s “I want nothing” before the banquet at Cintra. And yet, it’s clearly a lie. Geralt wants Yennefer, was willing to risk his life to save hers. If it had been Jaskier in there, going insane with the need for power, would Geralt have done the same? Jaskier doubts it. Because Jaskier knows that Geralt doesn’t even _like_ him. 

Jaskier is a fool, a fool in love, and he wants to carve out his own heart with a knife, just to feel something else than this pain that makes him feel worse than anything in his life. He remembers being ten and falling down after climbing a tree, his leg breaking neatly in half, the bone nearly poking out of his skin. That physical pain had been nothing compared to what Jaskier feels like now. 

He doesn’t even feel jealous. He _gets_ it, understands why Geralt chose her, and not Jaskier. She’s beautiful, and powerful, and she is everything Geralt has ever wanted: a true match. Someone who could walk besides him, not behind him. Someone who would not trail like a dog behind his owner. Someone who isn’t Jaskier. 

Because that’s Jaskier’s curse, in the end, isn’t it? He is always too eager, too much, too needy. He wants people to love him, he wants to please them and adore them, so that maybe they’ll like him too. He goes through lover after lover in the search of that affection, of that recognition that he has value, that he has worth, but no one loves him. Not his own parents, not his countless lovers, not _Geralt_.

And why is it that the pain only surfaces now? Jaskier has always known that Geralt didn’t love him, didn’t like him. From their first meeting, from the first punch he had received, Geralt had made it clear he didn’t want Jaskier at his side. And yet Jaskier stuck to him, in a way he would not have with anyone else. Perhaps it is because Geralt was, is, still and will always be, Jaskier’s first love. The one that he will always return to when his mind wanders and his hands feel restless. When the crowds aren’t enough to satisfy this craving for people, this desperate, aching, maddening need for a loving touch, he finds Geralt again. 

Geralt, who barely tolerates him, who refuses to acknowledge that Jaskier will follow him to the end of the world. Geralt, Geralt, Geralt. His mind is full of him, his heart even more, and right now all of it is seeping out of him in huge, heaving waves of pain. Jaskier loses himself to it. He wishes he was dying again. Wishes that he hadn’t been saved, that Yennefer had left him to choke on his own blood. 

He wishes he could take one of Geralt’s swords and drives it through his heart. It would be a fitting end. Perhaps that’s how he is fated to die; by the hands of the one he loves, the love that will never love him back. 

Jaskier leans against the stone, blood and tear stained, and he lets their voices and noises wash over him. He doesn’t want to live another day, and yet. He must. 

**Author's Note:**

> catch me crying on @saltytransidiot, pls don't hate me this made me lowkey cry too


End file.
